The One and only...ONE SHOW

I am writing this. I am writing this. I am writing this. I AM writing this. I am writing this? I am WRITING THIS!

So there you have it, I am, I really am. Not whilst you read it of course, but certainly whilst I write it. To put any context to my claim I need to address the three W's, 'What, where and why?'.

WHERE?

I am writing this at home, in my rented shack during what should be a day spent slaving away in a working environment, safe in the knowledge that I am grinding out an income that will support Christmas, support me and prepare a soft bouncy bedding for my lineage to spawn into. However the Swine flu has me in a vice like grip, occasionally when I doze off rubbing it's pungent armpit in my weeping face for good measure.

Who does Swine Flu think it is anyway? It swans around behaving like a ghost story on a cub scout camping trip, terrifying people until they've talked it up so much that no one sane believes that it exists at all. Then, when you least expect it, in fact when you've finally secured the job that is going to keep you as you've become accustomed (just barely alive with egg dripping off your face), BANG...full blown worst flu you have ever had lands cackling, babbling, raping and bellowing. Before you know it, you are unemployed after one day in the job, sitting in your hovel pedalling out a load of worthless crap onto a social networking page.

WHAT?

'I am writing what?!' You'd hear me exclaim should I ever read one of my own posts back to myself....which i never will.

'What am I writing?' you say...

Well, aha, this is a bit of a surprise given the nature of the content so far........I am writing, about what a cripplingly pointless waste of time and space the ONE show (BBC1) is. If you employed a non politicised Russian with no extended language skills beyond his mother tongue and a similarly talented South Korean to discuss their thoughts on how President Obama has done so far....with each other....then broadcast it at 2am on a Nigerian television network.....more depth would have been explored than the ONE show will ever venture.

Watching but 10 minutes of the ONE show just last night lead me to vomit my own brain out and smash it into the floor repeatedly....

Chris Evans (now looking more akin to an old rabbit spliced with Neil Morrisey and then lobotomised), some woman i refuse to learn the name of and Alan Carr-crash face/teeth/oh look at my Gay mannerisms when I say something half cock...ooo there I go again...ooo I say...fuck head, jizz eyed, gabbler; Go on and on for ages and ages about complete bollocks.

It's fascinating, they are artistes of the mundane.

The programme seems to attempt to tackle, 'issues'. For example, early on in the show we are treated to a seamless link from Alan Carr cackling about his own anus to a school girl the show has helped produce an ill-informed and misdirected (though endearing) 5 minuter. The exert is about the repealing of the payment the government makes to students to keep them in education for a little longer.

After this, Evans asks Carr what his thoughts are on the subject, Carr reacts by cooing and ooing and talking about whether or not he enjoyed and benefited from his schooling, but in essence just makes reference to his own anus...AGAIN.

At no point do they explore WHY the government is repealing it, WHY it was brought in, or well anything at all, they jsut move on the next cliff hanger. NEVER EVER has the ONE show ever said ANYTHING, it's amazing, it's more fun than looking for real news in the Sun or a story without a 3D pop out agenda in the Daily Mail. They say that there is an issue, offer a badly produced segway to evidence that this is an issue, then pave over it and move on.

WHY?

Why anything? Why do we need the ONE show to tell us nothing and have talentless nobodies and washed up old sort of was's tell us it? I am angry and angry people are interesting, put me on TV and pay me a shed load to do it. If the BBC really want, then i'll even go on and say nothing about anything for literally as long as they like.

The injustice of being sacked from something so moderately paid, that was incidentally a piss boring job, because I was incapacitated by a now unfashionable bug when these utter cretins dawdle about sort of subjects for good money makes my skin BOIL.

Who is to blame? The flipping fucktards themselves? No. The viewers, the British public. All the flappy brained, semi content, Richard and Judy book club enthusiasts. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you for missing the point of a medium of entertainment such as a television. We can ALLLLL film our own Poo sitting on the floor next to a disused potty and watch in on a TV in the next room for 24 hours.....why pay Evans and Carr to do the sitting?

Pay me, I'll even sit in your Poo. Fuck it, I'll hold it in my hands and rub it on my face.....hold on a minute.....by the time you've read this that will be a prime time show on ITV2 hosted by Dermott O'Pointless and you'll be able to vote on whether or not I have to eat it.

Fuck off, Just Fuck off.

PS.

Do it quickly.

Fuck off.