Kim Jong Bender.

North Korea are launching nuclear warheads left, right centre and back.

This is not the 'WMD' fear mongering that punctuated the peak of the Bush/Blair 'axis of evil' affair. That was the very worst kind of manipulation of public opinion. By the time the tectonic plates and prehistoric depth layers of half truths, slight of hand and down right bare faced ugly lies had even begun to be layed out in a way that could be understood and translated we'd invaded, celebrated and bombed the usual friendly fire quota into the headlines. We were stuck on the much bigger issue of what to do next.

The concept of the 'axis of evil' linked all of the worlds key 'bad guys' into one easy to swallow idea. It allowed our governments to behave like a street gambler with some cups and a small ball. They hustled our £20 bid off us and had us pick pocketed whilst we looked on in a bemused awe.

North Korea however, is a terrfyingly real threat. Internal perception, ideologies and convoluted misconceptions within a highly suspicious and genuinely aggressive military government could result in any number entirely unpredicable and suddenly volatile explosions. In this case, literal explosions.

The first real opportunity for the public to be called into action to understand this reality arrived on our news stands today. Newspapers such as the Independent and the Guardian lead the way with the headlines.

A sure sign of a real issue with genuine intrigue that doesn't require manipulation to be understood is when the more liberal and/or more intellectualised forms of press lead with an statement exposure of the event not a judgement of western political participants reaction to it.

A surer sign, a flashing neon light screaming at you 'panic, run, flee like a footballer faced with a quadratic equation', is the the tabloids did NOT make a fuss about it and were more content to comment on Jordans brazenly childish relationship with Peter Andre. This does of course mean that the politicians currently in power are less obsessed with political gain, or that there aren't any oil reserves to be stolen from North Korea, but it also means that they might deal with the situation properly.

There is though a real opportunity being missed. Perhaps, if we were all very shrewd, and we all left very quietly, the woman I saw skimming past the Guardian and resting on a copy of Glamour (or some such) and was more motivated by the headline 'Angelina fights back but Brad's still texting Jen' than she was by 'North Korea launches two more missiles'; she could be left wading through the article when the missles hit Britain and we are all sailing away to a new utopia where Brad Pitt's texts are his own business.

In fact, does any body have Kim Jong Il's email address? I know roughly were she lives, and i heard her say that Kim Jong Il was Gay. Thought he might like to know.

Hash Brown Re-Hash.

The art of inspired story telling, unique method that stands out independent in nature, style, rhyme and reason has for a long time been tenuously identified.

Ever since the Ancients passed on their poetic forms and Beowulf was penned, the majority of fantastical exaggeration and formulae of tale can be made comparable to these early works. Once the unstoppable creative greed of a Rousseau, Orwell, Dickens or Shakespear is added to the fray, little is left for the modern literary mind as it spills out re-hash after re-hashed re-hash. They are likely to be young bohemians stuffing hash browns in a hash smoker fuelled frenzy whilst they make a hash of it at that.

The only way is up as they say and that seems to be the modern solution to this problem. Escalate existing tales. Re-make films, film books, modernise old TV shows, make them faster, brighter, bigger. Big, Bigger, BIGGEST the proles scream from their tortured, writhing, daily primordial soup.

To my mind, there are at least another 10 years of flagrant plagerism to be endured before we can begin the process of plagerising the plagerism in the name of a new modernity. A few nooks and crannies though may well slip through the net in the misguided name of PC. That's Political Correctness not Phil Colins by the way. Nothing escapes the net of Phil Colins. Once he has you in his sights you are done for, he's like the hunter apes from the planet of the apes, faster and stronger than you...and he knows the lay of land....fear him.

Two glaring re-hash, re-dux, revolutionary opportunities that I predict will be saved until the last drop has been squeezed from multi media, but that I would dearly love to see and hope to inspire are as follows:



'The Superfluous Six'









A take on the famed Enid Blyton tales. This new tale of adventure will re-invigorate the genre whilst simultaneously redressing the blatant class divide and latent racism of her more famous penmanship.



Six white children all from middle class backgrounds are superfluous to the point of invisibility within their social and family settings. As such they are blessed with the freedom of reign that will take their adventure searching far and wide, further than ever before as they can be away for an Odyssey, but no one will notice.

On their travels they will encounter many a danger, many an adventure. These will likely be being dealt with by the local law enforcement services ultimately progressing into protracted court battles or petering out due to loop holes in the law or the bigger picture being considered, yet our heroes will flap about in a superfluous fashion, having little to no impact on the progress or outcome of each situation. The reader will immediately identify with their impotency and irrelevance in the fight against crime, and those looking for racial connotation will see only 6 bleating white people screaming for attention that will never come.

............

Pob Nights: (Paedo Pob)









The ever haunting image of 'Pob'.



The original format was thus:

In a typical episode, the celebrity visitor to the show finds a label attached to a piece of string on the gates of Pob's garden;

If in my programme you would be,

Wind the wool and follow me.

The celebrity guest then follows the woollen string, winding it as they go, and encountering a second label;

Wind it slowly, wind it fast,

A secret you will find at last.

Ultimately the wool is found to be Pob's unravelled jumper, and he is awoken to trace his name on the screen. Over the course of the programme, the celebrity guest reads a story, and solves a word puzzle with Pob.

Before the end of the programme, the celebrity guest gives Pob a gift, usually related to their story, which they attach to the woollen thread of Pob's jumper. Pob retrieves the gift, and plays with it, stopping periodically to wipe the programme's end credits from the camera lens. The episode always ends with Pob blowing out a candle held by a ragdoll. The next celebrity visitor is seen arriving at Pob's garden, realises they are a week too early, and leaves.

Pob is often accompanied in his mischief by a silent teddy bear called Teddy.

In it's all new, hyper entertainment re-hash incarnation, 'Pob Nights', Pob shows his true colours.

Marauding around a local red brick housing estate in Taunton, Pob and Teddy are local Paedophiles using vibrantly coloured woollen string to lure unsuspecting youngsters into a disused and well concealed building where a 'celebrity' as he calls them, client to you and I, lies in wait.



The silent 'Teddy' is now simply a name for Pobs first victim, whom suffering from Stockholm syndrome has taken it upon himself to assist Pob in his 'mischief'. Teddy hasn't spoken since the 'incident' in which he first met Pob.



Each episode begins with Pob breathing on the window of his next victim and writing his name in the condensation.....



The show content will involve Pob evading the local law enforcement and generally progressing toward trapping his prey who will always look as if they may just escape.





Before the end of the show, the 'celebrity' give Pob a 'gift', or in this case collection of pictures of children in comprimising situations. Pob 'plays' with them...and himself, stopping periodically to wipe clean the show's end credits.



The episode will always end the same way, with Pob blowing out a candle held by the captured child.



A bleak tale, but be assured, the victim will always have done something that renders them deserving of a biblical punshiment during the episode, such as being a glutton and eating all of the family pudding before anyone else can get to it, or generally being a lazy child who won't help with the housework upsetting a despairing mother.

...................



So there we have it, 2 fast 2 furious eat your heart out and there is no need to re-make the Hulk the 40th time.



For all copyright enquiries please contact me on.....